Marzia Hassan

It is noisy in here. Where do I begin?

communication relationships Feb 23, 2021

As we become aware of our self-critical voices, we can get overwhelmed with the amount of chatter inside our heads.

So if we are to understand and master our self-talk, where exactly do we begin.

Start by noticing how many times you "should yourself".

"I should be better at this"
"I should exercise more"
"I should not be so silly"
"I should not be so emotional"

As Steve Chandler reminds us, "There is one word that does more damage and creates more victims than any other. It is the word ‘should.’ And you should never use it! (Oh my gosh I just did it. I should be more careful.) ‘Should’ actually reduces your motivation every time you use it. ‘Should’ is the most self-defeating word in the English language. It’s like a tranquilizer to the spirit."

We surely don’t want to take too many "tranquilizers for the spirit".

Once you start noticing how much you should yourself, you will most certainly begin to notice how your mind tells you "you shouldn’t should you...

Noticing your self talk

communication relationships Feb 22, 2021

Are you aware of the judgy little (or big) voice inside your head?

Which voice, you ask? The voice that is telling you right now: What on earth is she talking about!

It is one thing to be judging others and quite another to be CONSTANTLY judging oneself.

It is exhausting and unproductive.

And so, "Understanding and mastering how you speak to yourself" says Chandler, "is the most important project you could ever take on. Get hooked on it like a hobby."

I love how he says to treat it like a hobby. A hobby is interesting, something you enjoy, some that is fun.

And so, beginning to become aware of our judgy little judges can be that too: interesting and fun.

As long as we don’t get all judgy and self-critical about the fact that we are judging ourselves.

Lighting the fire of your soul

communication relationships Feb 19, 2021

Ever been to camp? And had a campfire in the night? What happened to the fire by the morning? Chances are that it had burnt out. And if you wanted another fire the next night, you had to make another one, right?

Steve Chandler likens our human motivation, inspiration and growth to this campfire. It is an apt metaphor in many ways.

Here is how he puts it: "The human spirit, like a campfire, must be lit again each day.

Unlike the spirit, a campfire is easy to observe and understand, because we can step back from it and observe it. After a night of camping, we can emerge from our tents the next morning and notice with satisfaction that the campfire has gone out. We don’t curse the campfire for going out, and we don’t think life is unfair because we have to start another fire again the next night.

Yet we don’t have that same simple understanding of the spirit. We are confused by the human spirit. We think there is something wrong with the universe in which the spirit must be

...

Courage is a reward not a requirement

communication relationships Feb 18, 2021

Let us explore the idea of courage a little bit further.

"Victims become passive when they can’t find faith, or confidence, or courage to do something. Then they tell themselves they don’t have the power to do it. Owners know that faith and courage only appear later in reflection. Action comes first. Action comes before the courage to act. Faith and courage are rewards—not requirements—for action. The power to do something often shows up halfway into the doing of the thing, not up front. ‘Do the thing,’ said Ralph Waldo Emerson,’ and you shall have the power.’"

What an amazing way to think, isn’t it? Imagine how much we could achieve if we were not waiting for faith, courage, motivation, inspiration and all sorts of other feelings that we believe are prerequisites for action. Imagine taking action despite the absence of any or all of these motivations and inspiration and recognizing with delight that they are, in fact, the rewards of action, not the requirements!

What would you do?

communication relationships Feb 17, 2021

Continuing our conversation on fear, courage and action, here is a question for you:

What things would you would do in your life if you had absolutely no fear, hesitation or self-doubt?

Start a business?
Teach?
Quit your job?
Make that phone call?
Have that hard conversation?
Confess your feelings?
Apply for that position?
Make that request?

Write down a few of them.

Now please

pick one of them to do. And go do it.

Yes, I get it. The thing you’ve picked to do is probably making you afraid right now just thinking about it. That’s okay. Let those thoughts be as they as they are. You don’t have to believe all your thoughts (or any for that matter but that’s for another day ;) or let them stop you from taking action.

"You will find", as Steve Chandler puts it, "you’re feeling your fear while you are in action conquering it. And as you continue in action, the fear dissolves, like a fist full of salt in the river. What remains for you is pure joy. It’s the j...

Distinguishing feeling and action

communication relationships Feb 16, 2021

Do you want to hear a top secret about super successful people?

From what I have heard, read and studied, super successful people also have fears, self-doubts and anxieties - just like you and me.

Whatttt?

Yup. The only difference is that they don’t let these feelings get in the way of taking action.

I like how Steve Chandler puts it in Reinventing Yourself: "Somehow, as grown-ups, we have talked ourselves into assuming that we can’t do anything we’re afraid of doing; that being afraid to do it is the same thing as being unable to do it. But a little practice just doing it shows us that this was a false assumption".

Being afraid to do something is not the same thing as being unable to do it.

Feeling fear and taking action are two separate things.

And those of us who wait till fear is over before we take action need to know this: that taking action can cause a change in feelings. The only way to get over fear of taking action is to keep taking action DESPITE...

The power of language

communication relationships Feb 15, 2021

Continuing with our series on Reinventing Yourself, Steve Chandler emphasizes how important language is in the way we conceptualize "problems" or "challenges".

Here is how he puts it:

"Owners use the words ‘I can’ a lot, while victims favored ‘I can’t.’ Owners had goals, projects, and challenges, whereas victims had problems, hassles, and nightmares. Owners said they were busy, and victims said they were swamped. Owners were ‘designing a life,’ while victims were ‘trying to make a living.’ Owners were psyched and excited about changes in the workplace, while victims were worried and ticked off. Owners looked to see what they could get from an experience, while victims tried to get through it. Owners would plan things and victims would wish things".

In other words, people who take charge of their lives talk about the inevitable bumps of life as challenges to be faced and overcome as opposed to "problems and hassles" that plague them in their lives.

Research on resilience...

Yes lives in the land of no

communication relationships Feb 12, 2021

Another distinction between owners and victims, according to Steve Chandler, is how they deal with NO: being rejected, refused or confronting failure.

"An owner is not afraid to make a request. That’s why owners do so well in sales and courtship.

Victims fear the word no and will do amazing things to avoid ever hearing it. To a victim, ‘no’ means rejection. Total, devastating rejection. ‘No’ doesn’t just sound like ‘no’ to the victim, it sounds like, ‘No, no, NO, you are NOT WORTH ANYTHING!’

But to an owner, ‘no’ is simply the other side of ‘yes.’ ‘No’ and ‘yes’ live together. Every human being has a perfect right to say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and this does not bother an owner. An owner honors that right. Therefore, when owners hear ‘no,’ they don’t think something is wrong with the universe. They don’t conclude that life is unfair. They move right on to their next request. Life is requests and promises.

Victims spend the better part of their lives trying to avoid hearing...

Weight lifting

communication relationships Feb 11, 2021

In Reinventing Yourself, How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be, Steve Chandler makes many distinctions between "owners" (who are at cause in their lives) and victims (who believe themselves to be the victims of circumstances).

One of the distinctions is how they approach problems or challenges in life.

Owners, he writes, see problems as bodybuilders see weight: more resistance to build a life with. It’s resistance training, and it feels good.

Victims, on the other hand, don’t want to lift that weight. They look at weights with horror, and they look at problems as betrayals.

The sad tragedy is that the same energy that could be going into problem-solving is used by the victim for problem-avoidance. It takes an ongoing mental effort to push problems out of the mind. It is real work to constantly redirect the spotlight of consciousness away from life so that it shines only on distractions.

Do you ever find yourself spending time and energy struggling with t...

Are you aiming for an enlightened state of being?

communication relationships Feb 10, 2021

Do you think that once you get it, that once you understand victim thinking and ownership thinking, you are home free? That you can flip the magic switch into enlightenment?

Oh dear

I have some bad news for you.

There are no enlightened beings. (none that I know of anyway).

There are only enlightened moments.

But here is the really good news: every one of us, no matter where we find ourselves in life right now, can have enlightened moments. Moments when we act in a way that makes ourselves proud.

And the choice to act in accordance with our highest values is available to us in the very next moment. And the next. And the next one as well.

And so although there are no enlightened beings, all of us can string together enlightened moments.

One choice at a time.

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It is noisy in here. Where do I begin?

Noticing your self talk

Lighting the fire of your soul

Courage is a reward not a requirement

What would you do?

Distinguishing feeling and action

The power of language

Yes lives in the land of no

Weight lifting

Are you aiming for an enlightened state of being?

Could you do with a small, daily dose of inspiration?

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